Greek Jokes Aren’t Funny (Excerpt)

Larry: (pounding back a shot) well shit.

 

(Arlus walks up, Larry is poured shot after shot after shot of something clear, Arlus approached Barkeep)

 

Arlus: (worried) what’s he drinking?

 

Keep: Water

 

Arlus: …you keep water in a vodka bottle?

 

Keep: keeps the underage happy and paying

 

Arlus: (nods, then to larry) Larry, what happened? Wife leave you for a white bull again? Pregnant with a monster, is she?

 

Larry: nope (prepares for shot, takes it)

 

Arlus: Did Daddy cause another earthquake in Sparta?

 

Larry: Nope

 

Arlus: Hade’s steal your daughter away to the underworld and… something with a pomegranite?

 

Larry: (grunts)

 

Arlus: Did…

 

Larry: Nope

 

Arlus: I didn’t even finish!

 

Larry: already knew the answer

 

Arlus: well what was I going to…

 

Larry: Dionysus visited me today

 

Arlus: … hm?

 

Larry: Dionysus-

 

Arlus: no, I heard you, that one wasn’t all that funny

 

Larry: I wasn’t kidding

 

Arlus: yeah

 

Larry: he honestly did

 

Arlus: (pause) so why water?

 

Larry: just popped into my-

 

Arlus: seems a little weak for-

 

Larry: and just whipped it out-

 

Arlus: I mean, I know you can’t hold-

 

Larry: and it was just gigantic, then he-

 

Arlus: showed you how to take them, just-

 

Larry: told me to get up, started yelling-

 

Arlus: and the whipped cream makes it even better-

 

Larry: Told me to PROduce a play!

Arlus: and that’s how you take a shot!

 

Both: Wait… What?

 

Larry: you told me to take a straw and drink through my nose

 

Arlus: Dionysus told you what?

 

SILENCE

 

Arlus: I may have been drunk at the time

 

Larry: He, uh, told me to PROduce a play

 

Arlus: that’s not how you pronounce-

 

Larry: I don’t care

 

Arlus: yeah

 

SILENCE

 

Larry: so what does that even mean?

 

Arlus: Fresh vegetables for sale at a market

 

Larry: no, the-

 

Arlus: yeah, you pronounced it wrong

 

Larry: Don’t Care

 

Arlus: Figures. Hm… I think its when an asshole shows up and tells the director what to do.

 

Larry: well that doesn’t sound very helpful

 

Arlus: I could be wrong

 

Larry: yeah, that doesn’t sound right.

 

Silence

 

Arlus: does it mean…? Yeah, I’m out

 

Larry: me too.

 

Arlus: well, we could just go around and ask people what producing is, this is Athens, after all, someone should know.

 

Larry: Oh yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea. We could go to Lickus, the street lecher, and ask him, “do you know what a producer does?” and he flashes us and we say, “not that kind of producer, what a Theatrickal producer does” and he tells us he doesn’t know, but would sure as hell like to find out. So he follows us when we go to ask Scandalus, the politician, Acrylica, the beautician, Little Pintus, head of the league of orphans and the president of the competitive drinking league. We can ask flicus and Bickus, and kalamazoo! And then go and ask mr. floppity roo! And then we’ll take this great big mob of people up to mt. Olympus, stand in front of Dionysus, and say, “Listen here, you schmuck, none of THESE people know what the hell a producer does, why the hell should I?”

 

Arlus: You’re drunk… ( pause, picks up shot glass of water sniffs it, looks at Larry, who continues line)

 

Larry: (dawn of realization) Oh god Damnit! (leaves)

 

Arlus: yeah he probably has (moment, follows)

 

(Dionysus walks on, hands jug to Keep, asks for a gallon, Keep looks confused)

 

Dio: (to Keep) Think I was too hard on the fellow? He was pounding the drink pretty hard

 

Keep: (stunned) it was water

 

Dio: (looks angrily at Keep, grabs back his jug, starts to leave, glares back, and struts out)

 

Keep: Bye?

 

---